May 05, 2009, 10PM
I’ve been feeling a bit sad for the past few days. I feel as if my heart is being pulled down by a ship. I try hard not to let it affect me but this familiar feeling just won’t walk away. I can’t think, I can’t work properly, and I can’t move forward. It’s ironic that the topic I learned from today’s seminar is self-motivation because it seems to me that no amount of self-motivation can drive away a feeling that is just too strong and real. My attempts to say to myself that I am happy, I am strong, I am good-looking, I am great, etc. have been futile because… who am I fooling that sadness has gone away? It hasn’t and it’s even becoming stronger as I think more about it, even stronger when I try to contain it, which I’ve been doing for a long time already.
Truth is that, although I’m never a good actor, I have conscious efforts in my life to always smile to other people and to not show any negative feelings to them. I’m doing this because I know that I have what psychologist called an “emotional brightness” radiating from me. That is, my mood is highly contagious. This is the kind of mood that would light up a room if I am happy but makes me a black hole that sucks everyone down with me if I am sad. My understanding of this is that I am partly responsible for other people’s moods or for the environment in general. Since I advocate positive energy in my workplace, I have to be in good mood all the time. This, however, makes me sometimes wonder if it’s better to take the safe path of becoming a nobody than becoming a somebody… in a society where you’re required to be a somebody to survive. Since I want to survive, I have no choice but to become a somebody. To end this post on a positive note, (nyahaha!), let me assure you that this is all okay because it’s what I need me to be to function.
PS. About this post and the last post… In a nutshell, I don’t want anyone to get sucked in to my sorry life.
